Another way of Using the Oaklander Method with Adults Using a Psycho-Spiritual Perspective

In the Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu says “To find the origin, trace back the manifestations. When you recognize the children and find the mother, you will be free of sorrow.” When I finally understood what that meant, I imagined Violet in my mind saying, ‘Find the Fairy Godmother!’

From my psycho-spiritual perspective, The Fairy Godmother is the voice of a higher mind, God or Spirit, Truth beyond duality, or that which is always true. Past the judgments of good or bad that lead to endless negative loops of intra-psychic dilemmas, interpersonal conflict, physical symptoms, behavioral patterns, and then the self incrimination that sets the cycle off again. The Fairy Godmother is an archetypal character, the voice of what I sometimes refer to as The Loving Mind. It contains and nourishes in an instant, that which might otherwise be analyzed for years. It has a knowing beyond the conscious mind, beyond what we might try to figure out or reason using the limitations of the same mind that is already entangled. The Fairy Godmother, by contrast, is a direct connection to that inner voice of wisdom based in the heart. It is patient, simple, and compassionate, “…your three greatest treasures” Lao Tzu said. The Fairy Godmother sees and supports the essential self, with children as much as with adults. We all need a Fairy Godmother sometimes.

This is a fundamental idea in my work with adults, often parents, who are in the midst of managing life challenges that typically stir up childhood insecurities and wounds. In my personal experience and in my work with others, learning to hear and integrate that voice comes through creative channels, for example through various forms of meditation, journaling, imagery, drawing, music, and in dream work. In fact, it’s liable to come through anytime there’s a release of the conscious thought-driven analytical mode. Quieting the conscious mind is key, and tuning in through the senses is a sure path. As we relax into the landscape of a drawing, or breathe life into an imagined journey, or mold a situation out of clay, we begin to ground over-activity and reactivity, and open, through the physical senses, to the subtle senses where that voice is heard or sensed or known. It’s the inner voice we often call intuition or insight; a doorway to the super conscious as much as the subconscious levels of mind, and to their connection, where empowering communication happens. We all have it, it’s our innate wisdom. Helping others shift into this state of being is what I think of as resetting the neurological pathways to a greater sense of ease and recognition of self. It’s where reactions are less likely, life challenges can be responded to creatively, self care is awakened, and relating is naturally more loving.

Dr. Amit Goswami, quantum physicist, likens this to a shift in perspective that we must learn to practice to achieve peace of mind and clarity. In the documentary The Quantum Activist, Dr. Goswami shows the Rubin Vase figure/ground diagram, where the vase can also be seen as two profiles of people looking at each other. Making the shift comes by adjusting our view to either the foreground or the background. The picture is in black and white, and although we often see the complexities in life in many shades of gray, the difference between sensing, hearing, and knowing the voice of the Fairy Godmother, in contrast to the voice of self incrimination, is usually simple and crystal clear. Getting there, to that moment of clarity where perspective shifts, is the process that heals the mind and mends relationships. In my experience, getting there using the processes that Violet teaches, is the most gentle, respectful, nonintrusive, and even delightful way of restoring a sense of self, innocence, and healthy relatedness, regardless of age.

In a universal way, we are all children and we are all parents, we are all students and we are all teachers. In keeping with this broad view, using Violet’s methods with adults is about healing transgenerational patterns that restrict healthy development, self expression, and relating. I’ve often thought how lucky I am to live in this time when I have the luxury to learn and address healing as the essence of my life, rather than just surviving, as was the case for my grandparents and great grandparents, and to a great degree my parents. The layering of family history is not something people usually come in and talk about, not as presenting problems, but as I come to know people, I often see these transgenerational patterns, the coping mechanisms and underlying belief systems rooted in unresolved difficulties and traumas. They become self perpetuating on some level and in some way. Helping an adult in the family can have the effect of regenerating healthy development within the entire system, extending in all directions. The value of working here and now, through the doorway of imagination, to self discovery and compassion, is immeasurable. We go past the conversations of the conscious mind, and into the world of being and experiencing, where something can be seen and known that wasn’t seen or known before. A window to the child within has been opened, where the nurturing voice of the Fairy Godmother can be heard, and the soul, on its journey through life, can remember itself. Thank you Violet!

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Lori Landau, MFT, PPS, CBP

Lori combines her interests in psychology, spirituality, philosophy, dreams, child and adult development, astrology, meditation, nutrition, health, and her intuitive gifts to guide her way in the healing arts. She specializes in helping parents, for themselves and their children, through the stages, challenges, and changes of parent-child relationships, married life, self discovery, healing old wounds, spiritual development, and inspired creative expression. She’s a graduate of the University of Southern California with a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and earned her Pupil Services Credential in School Counseling from Phillips Graduate Institute. She is currently working toward Advanced Certification in BodyTalk through the International BodyTalk Association. Lori continues to move toward the integration of science, psychology, and the healing of mind, body, and relationships in developing two ongoing programs: Calm & Sense Workshops for Enhanced Alignment in Living, and The Road to Optimal Health: An Educational & Motivational Community Service Series. Lori can be contacted at or (818) 342-1008. Her office is in Tarzana , California.